What I've Done
by AudiophileChica
Summary: ***Updated to fix typos only! This is still just a oneshot!*** What if Gordon John Brandel DIDN'T die in an auto accident...


Disclaimer: As you all know, I don't own the song, I don't own the band, I don't own the show, and I don't own the characters... Wow, that's depressing... LoL! Note: It really does help if you've heard the song before. Anyway, hope you enjoy and reviews are ALWAYS appreciate!

*** Inspired by "What I've Done" by Linkin Park ***

_In this farewell  
__There's no blood, there's no alibi  
_'_Cause I've drawn regret  
__From the truth of a thousand lies  
__So let mercy come and wash away_

_What I've done  
__I'll face myself  
__To cross out what I've become  
__Erase myself  
__And let go of what I've done_

_Put to rest what you thought of me  
__While I clean this slate  
__With the hands of uncertainty  
__So let mercy come and wash away_

_What I've done  
__I'll face myself  
__To cross out what I've become  
__Erase myself  
__And let go of what I've done_

_For what I've done, I start again  
__And whatever pain may come  
__Today this ends  
__I'm forgiving what I've done  
__I'll face myself  
__To cross out what I've become  
__Erase myself  
__And let go of what I've done  
__What I've done  
__Forgiving what I've done…_

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Loaded pizza, hot wings, and cold beer. Maybe poker night at your place won't suck quite as much as I thought it would, Deeks," Sam joked good-naturedly.

Kensi scoffed with a grin. "Don't speak too soon, Sam. You haven't played poker with him yet."

"And just what, exactly, is wrong with how I play poker, partner-o-mine?"

"Nothing… Absolutely nothing at all." Kensi's smile was devilish as she looked her partner in the eye.

Deeks shook his head ruefully. "Should I even bother asking if it's possible to get through one poker night without you attempting to completely emasculate me in my own apartment?"

"Perhaps if you didn't make yourself such an easy target for her, Mr. Deeks."

"Aww, come on, Hetty. You can't be on my side here?" The detective attempted a puppy-dog face.

Callen entered from the kitchen with paper plates and napkins in hand. "Deeks, you know Hetty doesn't pick sides… well, not your side anyway."

Nell came up behind Deeks and rested her hands on his shoulders as he sat down at the table. "Don't worry, I've seen you give _almost_ as good as you get at least a couple of times."

"Eric should be here in about half an hour, then we can spread the teasing evenly. Hang in there, sand trap," Sam said with a wink.

Deeks chuckled. "Sand trap, that's good, 'cause surf and sand and all that. You know, you say the teasing will be spread evenly, but we all know you're easier on Eric than you are on me. What did he do to earn clemency?"

Kensi spoke while Sam and Callen simply grinned at each other. "Think about it, Deeks. Computer genius in the age of technology."

"You know, it's really sad when we're more scared of a guy with a computer than a guy with a gun," Deeks commented as he crossed his arms.

"All these years and you're still whining."

None of the agents had even heard the door open, so the stranger in the doorway was a complete surprise. However, the detective's response was just as shocking.

"You're dead." His voice was eerily calm as he stood quickly.

The man took a couple of small steps into the apartment. "Well, see the thing is, wires sometimes get crossed, facts may get a little jumbled up. Next thing you know, everyone thinks you're dead."

"Gordon John Brandel, I presume." Hetty finally spoke.

Deeks' father looked over at the small woman and laughed out loud. "Well, I see my boy here's been talking about me." The look he sent his son's way was anything but fatherly.

"How did you find me?"

Brandel looked around the room a little before answering. "I was in a bar one night about a week ago, just having a little quiet time with my drink, when surprise, surprise… in walks my only son and his little girlfriend here. I waited 'til you left, then followed you back here where she dropped you off." He glanced at Kensi. "You know, son, this one's a real firecracker. You'd better get a handle on her."

Deeks responded calmly before Kensi could even blink. "You don't say a word about her. You need to leave… now."

"No, see, I don't think so. There's a little issue we need to discuss and it's way overdue."

"After all these years, what could you and I possibly have to discuss?" Deeks asked, taking a step forward.

"Oh, gee, son, I don't know. How about the fact that you shot me?" Brandel's voice rose with each word.

The room was eerily silent for a few long moments before Deeks finally spoke. "G, will you please get everyone out of here?" he asked quietly over his shoulder, his eyes never breaking contact with his father's.

Kensi spoke up quickly. "What? No! I'm not going anywhere!"

Deeks sighed softly. "I'm not going to argue with you right now—"

"Good, then we're agreed. G, get them out," she interrupted.

Brandel threw his head back and laughed. "You people seem to be under the impression that you're in charge here." Stepping backwards, he shoved the front door closed with his foot. He turned to lock the door, pausing to lean his head against it for a moment. After a deep breath, he turned back around, the gun from his pants pocket now aimed directly at his son. "No one is going anywhere."

Everyone tensed immediately. Sam, Callen, and Kensi were all armed, as was Deeks, but Brandel's state of mind was not exactly helping the situation. The fact that they didn't know how much Brandel knew about their line of work was another issue. However, coming at them when they were all together indicated that he was unaware of their occupations as of yet. That could give them the advantage if they played it right.

Standing together, Nell knew she and Hetty posed the least visible threat. Either one of them could most likely take the larger man down, but Nell figured letting him believe they were simply extras in his little scene would work in their favor.

"Mr. Brandel, may I sit?" Hetty questioned meekly.

Nell smiled inwardly knowing she and Hetty were on the same page. Brandel nodded and motioned to the couch with his free hand. Nell took Hetty's arm and slowly led her across the room as Hetty played her part to the hilt. As they approached the couch and turned to sit, Hetty reached into Nell's back pocket and grabbed her cell phone, hiding it in her small hands. The analyst never flinched, just grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and quickly covered Hetty's lap with it before taking a seat herself.

Once the women were settled, Brandel turned his attention back to his son. "Now, back to the matter at hand."

"Believe me, there's nothing about that situation that needs to be discussed. That subject closed with a bang a long time ago," Deeks stated dryly.

Brandel's eyes narrowed as his voice got quiet. "You think this is funny? Is this all just part of comedy hour to you?"

"Do I look like I'm laughing?"

Brandel silently studied his son's stoic face for a while before beginning to pace back and forth in front of the door, gesturing with his gun as he spoke. "You know, I don't know why I thought this conversation might actually be productive. I mean, I never could get you to listen when you were a kid, why did I think it would be any different now?"

"Well, I don't know about you, but I find it a little difficult to do anything when you've been beaten unconscious." Deeks's words were delivered quietly, but the emotion behind them rippled through the apartment.

Brandel stopped pacing and faced his son again. "You and that smart mouth. I should have just finished you off when you were a kid." He paused, studying Deeks for a moment. "I've decided, the world didn't need you then and they really don't need you now," he said, raising his gun level with his son's chest again.

Everyone jumped slightly as the shot rang out, but no one was more shocked than Brandel himself. The bullet tore through his left shoulder, knocking him to his knees. Kensi had been standing close enough to Deeks that his body blocked her right side from Brandel's view. No one in the room even saw her pull her weapon from behind her back.

"You bitch! You shot me!" Brandel held his injured arm, gun still in hand, and glared at Kensi before turning his attention back to his son. "Still hanging out with criminals, I see. Just like that little punk when you were a kid."

Kensi's gun was still aimed at the injured man kneeling on the floor in front of them, but it was now joined by both Sam's and G's weapons.

"Sam, did he just call us criminals?" Callen asked lightly.

"I believe he did, G," Sam replied.

"Now that's just rude and presumptuous. Criminals? Try federal agents." Callen smirked at the now ghostly white Brandel.

"Federal agents?"

Kensi answered, "That's right, and your son here is an LAPD detective." She watched Brandel's eyes widen just a fraction. "Bet you didn't see that one coming, did you?"

Brandel stared at Kensi a moment longer before returning his gaze to his son. "A cop, huh, with a group of feds? Still trying to hang out with the cool kids, status and credibility by association."

"I assure you, Mr. Brandel, Marty Deeks is one of us, regardless of his official title. He has earned his team's trust and respect several times over." Hetty spoke evenly from her seat on the couch.

Staring at Hetty from his position on the floor, Brandel seemed to be losing some of his fight. His voice was quiet when he finally spoke, looking back at Deeks once again. "Known him his whole life, of course, and I can tell you this. I knew from the very beginning he was gonna be trouble. First time he opened his mouth, I knew he wasn't gonna be worth the effort. I knew he would always be weak and pathetic, just like his mother." He paused for a moment, looking down at his bleeding shoulder. "But I guess I have no other choice but to let it go and walk away. I mean, I wouldn't want one of your friends here to shoot me again while you stand there like a pansy-ass." He lifted his eyes back up to meet Deeks's stare. "Oh, screw it. If I'm going to Hell anyway, I might as well take you with me."

Brandel swung the gun around towards his son, but Deeks was faster. With a bullet in his shoulder already, the pain slowed Brandel down just enough for Deeks to draw his weapon and put two in his father's chest.

The room was eerily silent as the agents lowered their weapons. Sam stepped over to the man on the floor and kicked the dropped gun away before kneeling down to check his pulse. After a few seconds, he raised his head and focused on Hetty, his expression grim.

"He's gone."

As Callen stepped over to the couch to check on Nell and Hetty, Kensi focused her attention on her partner. He had lowered his weapon with everyone else, but his eyes had not left his father's body.

She returned her Sig to its holster behind her back and stepped closer to the detective. "Deeks, it's over. Let me have your gun."

Deeks released his grip on his weapon and let Kensi take it without a word. She set it on the coffee table and returned to his side.

Callen was still kneeling next to the couch when Hetty pulled Nell's cell phone out from under the blanket and put it up to her ear. "Mr. Beale, did you get all of that?"

"_Got it. I've already spoken with LAPD and they're aware it's an agency related incident. Oh, and I've also alerted the coroner's office."_

"Thank you. Needless to say, tonight's festivities have been cancelled. Go home and get some rest."

"_Sure, but Hetty… Is Deek's okay?"_

Hetty was quiet for a moment. "Not yet, but soon. Goodnight, Mr. Beale." As she ended the call and handed the phone back to Nell, Callen simply stared at her.

"You managed to get Nell's phone and call Eric without anyone knowing?"

"A plan not without its risks, Mr. Callen, but I'd say I pulled it off rather smoothly, don't you think?"

Callen shook his head. "Only you, Hetty." Pausing, he turned to look at Deeks and Kensi, still standing in their original locations. "What about Deeks?"

Hetty studied the detective and his partner for a moment before answering quietly. "He shouldn't stay here tonight and he most definitely shouldn't be alone."

Sam approached the group just as Callen answered. "He can stay with me tonight."

"G, you don't even have a bed for yourself, much less one for a guest. You two gonna share your bed roll?" Sam smirked.

Nell spoke up. "I thought you finally bought a bed, like, three or four months ago."

Sam answered before Callen could say a word. "Oh, he did, but he told the delivery guys that he could put the frame together and everything later. They propped it up against the wall where it has stayed for _FIVE_ months."

Callen faced his partner and asked, "And where would he sleep at your place? Your daughter's room or your home gym?"

"At least I have a be—"

"Guys! Shut up and focus." Kensi interrupted. "Deeks is packing a bag and grabbing stuff for Monty. He's staying with me, end of discussion. Can at least one of you stay for the coroner? I want to get him out of here as soon as possible."

Callen answered quietly. "I'll stay. You guys should all go home. I've got a key to lock up when everything's wrapped here."

As everyone else gathered their things to leave, Callen turned to study the youngest member of his team. Kensi was standing over Brandel's body, staring down at it with barely contained disgust.

She didn't turn as he approached. "The things he said to him." She paused. "How can a father say those things to his own son? I mean, he had no remorse, whatsoever for anything he ever did to Deeks. He was ready to kill him without a second thought."

Before Callen could respond, Deeks emerged from his bedroom, bag in hand. "Just let me grab a couple of things for Monty and we're good." He stepped into the kitchen to grab food and treats, then returned to the living room.

"Mr. Deeks, we're leaving now, and I suggest you and Ms. Blye do the same. Mr. Callen is staying to wait for the coroner," Hetty instructed gently. "Please do yourself a favor and take the next couple of days off. I believe you've earned it." She patted his arm and turned to leave.

"Hetty, I'm fine. I'll get a cleaning crew in here in the morning and then I'll be in tomorrow afternoon," Deeks countered.

Stopping in her tracks, Hetty turned back to face the detective. "Let me rephrase that. I don't expect to see you at work at all in the next two to three days. And that goes for your partner, as well. Understood?"

Kensi answered before Deeks could argue again. "Understood. Thank you, Hetty."

The Ops manager smiled softly before finally leaving with Nell and Sam.

Five minutes later, Deeks and Kensi were in her Cadillac on their way to her house, Monty curled up in the back seat. For once, however, the ride was silent. Kensi was used to Deeks talking, fiddling with the radio, talking, opening the glove compartment, and talking some more. This quiet, introverted version of her partner was a little unsettling.

Kensi pulled into her driveway and cut the engine, but made no move to get out of the car. Deeks's head was back against the headrest and he was silent as he stared out the passenger window. Kensi wasn't even sure if he knew they had stopped yet.

"Deeks? We're here," she coaxed softly.

"Kensi, what have I done?" His question was almost a whisper, but in the silence of the car, Kensi heard him easily. He didn't wait for her to answer, however. "He was a cruel, heartless, son-of-a-bitch… He was mean and vindictive and spiteful and full of rage and hate… He beat me until I couldn't see straight, locked me in closets, and said things to me that I wouldn't even say to my worst enemy." He paused for a long moment. He turned his head to look at his partner, tears ready to spill. Finally he whispered, "I killed my father."

"Deeks…"

He sat up and looked forward. When he spoke again, his voice was stronger, but still slightly shaky. "I know he was horrible and it was basically kill or be killed tonight, but… I'm not actually sorry that I killed him. That's what scares me the most."

"What do you mean?"

He turned to face her again. "I just did the most horrible thing you can do to a person, to my own father and I don't feel bad, I don't feel guilty. What if that makes me like him? No remorse…"

Kensi stared down at the steering wheel as she spoke. "Deeks, I know we don't usually have heart-to-heart talks and everything, but please listen to me. I mean really listen." She looked over at her partner and waited patiently for him to meet her gaze. "There is not a single part of you that is anything like Gordon John Brandel. Just the fact that you're worried about being like him proves that you're not. You lived through what no child should ever have to endure, and you made it. You survived, and now you've stopped him from hurting you or anyone else ever again. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but that's something to be proud of."

Deeks took a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly. "It just seems so surreal. I mean, I shot him when I was a kid, but he survived that. I never cared what happened to him after that until I got shot. Then when Hetty told me he had been killed in a car accident… I was relieved. It's like a weight was lifted that I didn't even realize was still there. Then when I heard his voice tonight… Everything just came flooding back. Every memory, every fear, it was just right there at the surface again." He closed his eyes and took another deep breath. "Is it really over for good now?"

In a rare gesture, Kensi grabbed his hand and squeezed gently. "It is, I promise."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo


End file.
